I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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