I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
