I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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