i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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