apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
