My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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