a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
