May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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