Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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