In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
