I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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