Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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