If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
