i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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