I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
