my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
