I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
