Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We're too hungover to prance.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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