I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
