It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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