i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
