return my video game
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
