I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
