my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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