Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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