fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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