Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm passing your future prison.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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