There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
