just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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