his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
