I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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