he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
