I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
