dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
i believe in u and ur pee
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