I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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