Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
