im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
