She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
