Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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