So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Randomize
