I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
