On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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