goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
