if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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