break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Two words: blizzard sex
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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