Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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