i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
