im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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