A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
