I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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