i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
