We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My liver is preforming stress tests.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
