I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
