my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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