It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
