Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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