Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize