After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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