I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
