i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
