I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
