My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
