But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
