Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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